Thursday, July 28, 2011

Choose Joy




You know how I said I needed to get packed, moved, and unpacked before I could process my emotions? Well, we are pretty much unpacked. James has been in Atlanta since Monday for work so it's just been me and the patoot. Adoration hasn't really been taking naps because she is just too excited about her new walking skills (this always happens when she takes a developmental leap.) So chasing around my toddler, all by my lonesome, with no nap breaks, and with no reprieve/adult conversation/cuddles from my hubby at the end of the day, whilst trying to learn a brand new place and not really knowing anybody has been fraying my nerves and patience.

Today we went to story time at the library. The actual story time was wonderful. Adoration loved it. I, on the other hand, was desperate for some kind of connection with some other mommy there, vainly trying to make conversation with women who just didn't seem that interested. Ahh well, maybe next time.

We got home and I gave Adoration a snack in her high chair (for like the tenth time. I feel like our whole day revolves around her constant need for food...and then cleaning up after each meal/snack.) I took the opportunity of her relative stillness to take a break and sat down and did the whole surfing facebook/blog thing. I was updating myself on all my Charlotte friends, with their Couple's nights, play dates, baby showers and picnics.....and then it just hit me like a freight train, that is not my life anymore. And my heart got all tight and some kind of emotion washed over me. What was this feeling? Oh yes....loneliness. I felt lonely. I missed my husband, I missed my heart friends, I missed knowing other mommies, I missed familiarity, and I felt so very separated from all that I had know the last four years.

And I had a mini breakdown.

The tight feeling around my heart, and that emotion called loneliness rose up all at once into my throat and I covered my face with my hands, finally let myself give into it, and I sobbed. I sobbed and said a tearful goodbye to my Charlotte life that had become so dear to me. Because I knew, we chose this. We chose to leave comfort, familiarity, and wonderful community to come here and start all over. We chose it because we felt like it was where God was leading us. And I vowed long ago that I would follow the Lamb wherever He goes.

In the midst of my sobbing and letting go, I felt Loneliness trying to take my heart down with it into it's Misery, trying to convince me that we had made the wrong decision, that God didn't really lead us here. It was giving it's best argument and I felt my heart going down with it. I was losing the battle. Then my daughter, who had never seen me cry like this, started giggling. With my hands covering my face, she thought I was playing peek-a-boo, which is her favorite game right now. The tinkling bells of her laughter brought me back to reality, and in the midst of that sweet sound, I heard the phrase, "Choose Joy." I knew it was God reminding me that I have a choice...to fall into the abyss of Self or to choose Joy. It's okay to feel sad about the life that we have left, but it's not okay to let that sadness lie to me and rob my joy and thankfulness for the new things God is doing. So today, I choose Joy.

19 For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.
Isaiah 43:19


13 comments:

  1. collin and i have had many conversations about the many, many struggles of following the ridiculous paths that God leads us down. the moving, we can handle. the bills, they get paid. we can find new favorite coffee shops and restaurants and even make a friend or two... but the one big battle - the worst and most fearsome opponent - loneliness. it runs after us all the time, never stopping, and takes low blows whenever possible.

    the only cure is that while I might not have my favorite places and my favorite friends, I do know that God led me somewhere and that's where I went. I won't have to look back on my life, realizing that my past was lonely for the presence and guidance of God. When it's hardest, I go to bed every night thinking, "I can't take another day of this," and I wake up in the morning thinking, "I actually feel okay." grace.

    this quote from The Four Loves actually makes a lot of sense to me: "Grace substitutes a full, childlike and delighted acceptance of our need, a joy in total dependence. The good man is sorry for the sins which have increased his need. He is not entirely sorry for the fresh need they have produced.”

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  2. this made me cry, Kristina. hold tight, my dear friend. parting is such sweet sorrow, but i know your garden will be full before you know it. you are deeply missed and deeply loved no matter the distance. thank you Jesus for the internet. seriously...

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  3. praying for you, my friend. i understand that loneliness....very much so. God is good and He brings us back around and then we know where we need to be and how He had it all planned! blessings to you!

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  4. sorry to hear that you're feeling lonley :( I would definitely feel that way too if I moved away from my girlfriends. but I love that you're choosing positivity, and joy. soon you'll have a new community of ppl around you i'm sure!

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  5. thank you for reminding me that it's ok to feel loneliness and sadness because sometimes it is appropriate, but it is not ok to be sucked into despair and misery. finding a balance is one of the hardest things, and i'm glad your daughter helped you through the moment :)

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  6. *tear* sweet friend. I'm so proud of you guys for choosing to chase after the plans that the Lord has for you. I'm praying for a community to surround you and uplift you. Praying for the rest of your time away from your man to be sweet time with Jesus. You know what is crazy about stretching out and making yourself vulnerable in the midst of pursuing God's plans? He'll always meet you. Grace to you in this time of transition. I love you to death Kristina. Friends forever no matter the distance. xoxox

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  7. this made me cry too. love you so much friend and i'm so thankful that we got to know you guys and our lives are richer for it. I'm so proud of you 3 for choosing to follow the Lord, even when it's hard. I know He will bless you with beautiful, sweet friends.

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  8. Thank you for all the sweet, encouragement comments everybody! I feel sunnier already.

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  9. love the blog!! what a great post!

    xoxox
    jenna duty

    www.thedutyfamily.blogspot.com

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  10. you're post really touched my heart and i felt as if God was speaking to me as well. to this day, over 6 months later, i still feel homesick and lonely at times. i feel landlocked, cranky, and just more down than up, which is just not like me. it is so hard to adjust and fully acclimate to something new. for me, i just don't feel like this place is meant for me...forever. i do, however, feel refreshed by your wisdom.

    the Lord will continue to use you and your adorable family to bless others, even if right now it seems like there's not much in it for you. i'm sure it'll get a little easier when the hubs gets home, also. single momma duties are so hard. i relate to you in every which way.

    ps i love your glasses, lady!! where are they from? i need new ones ASAP

    sending big hugs. xo

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  11. Looove those glasses momma, and your blog is adorable!

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  12. this made me cry again... yes, i'm going through all your posts and re-reading them and commenting because you are so wonderful and i miss your pretty face.

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