Thursday, September 13, 2012

thoughts and a letter.

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Asa's arrival is drawing very near. I've had a mixed bag of emotions...mostly excitement. But to be honest, I've felt really overwhelmed as well. Nesting is in full swing and I've found myself struggling to tie up all the loose ends that I desire before he arrives AND have productive, interactive days with my daughter AND try to get the rest I need. Inconsequential things fill my list that, in nesting mode, seem like a very big deal: 

vacuum car.
install car seat. 
keep up with laundry so I won't have to worry about it when we get home from hospital.
wash all the baby things.
sterilize bottles and pump parts. 
pack Adoration's bag. 
pack my bag. 
paint top coat on bassinet with low VOC paint.
find dresser for office/baby room. 
keep house as clean as possible. 

and until JUST recently:
work out a babysitting plan for Adoration when I go into labor.
(We had no plan, had no idea who would do this for us until just recently, a new friend,
a part of our small group, graciously offered.)

Other weightier thoughts, besides conquering my to-do list, sneak in, threatening to overwhelm me. For example:
Knowing James only has one week off of paternity leave. 

One tiny week. Two days of which I will be actually birthing the baby and be in the hospital.
Then back to the busy season of work he goes. And I will be physically recovering, and not sleeping, and breastfeeding (and dear God, please don't let it start off hurting so much this time), and taking care of a newborn and a two year old. And it feels like a lot. And one week seems oh so short. 
I know James will be supporting me as much as he possibly can because he really is the best husband/daddy out there and I am so thankful for who he is and all he does with every breath I breathe. 

But I can't help but feel a little anxious. I think: Can I do this? Can I handle it? 

And I know it will all be fine. It's all going to be okay. Women do this every day, all over the world. And a good number of them are doing it all by themselves. 

But this anxiety I'm having, it is unbidden and new. And when I really think about it, ridiculous. These things are not the end of the world. Yet it creeps in anyways. I didn't have it with Adoration. I was as peaceful and calm as one could hope. It was so easy for me to enter into that place. This time, it is such a struggle. And I think how odd, when praying over this baby boy we felt like he would carry with him Peace and Trust (thus his name: Asa Trust,) and I am struggling with such opposing emotions. And they say how the woman is feeling while the baby is in the womb has an effect on the baby's emotional state. And I think how can this boy be full of peace and trust when I've been struggling in this area?? But from the beginning we felt like God was saying this was our Asa's identity.  And it comforts me, almost like God is saying, "You are going to be okay. Baby boy is going to be just fine. It's just a part of who he is. I AM bigger than all your anxieties."

This verse has been my great encouragement lately:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  2 Cor 12:9

So I lean in to grace. Instead of trying to rationalize my anxieties (which just makes me feel guilty.) I take a deep breath and say, "I am anxious. Give me peace. I am weak. Be my strength." And there I am, in the boat where Jesus is sleeping. And with a word, the storm has stopped. 

Dear Asa,

Sweet boy, I can't wait to meet you. You were a dream in my heart, and knowing I will soon stare into your eyes, and kiss your forehead brings me so much joyful anticipation. God is creating you to be a calm in the storm. And I know when I look at you I will see the promise of Peace when we but trust in Him. And God is love, and love is covering us, and growing inside of us. And we were made for love.

And from your conception to every day you have on this earth, my highest prayer is that you would know in the deepest part of you that you are loved, your are loved, you are loved. 

All my love,

your mama. 



2 comments:

  1. Ahhh I have been feeling so much of this right now with the new baby on the way. I think buying a home AND starting a new job next month (and Ben starting a new job) has been a huge factor in the anxiety too, though. I have daily thoughts that I have no idea how I am going to manage. And I regularly feeling like I'm going to suffocate from the anxiety. Not cool. I will probably post something very similar sometime soon ;)

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  2. Love you so much! You're the absolute best mommy-wifey ever!

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