This season, in the trenches of mothering young children, is one caught between endless exhaustion and countless joys. Things I find myself daily longing for are:
1) 45 minutes all to myself in the morning...to drink my coffee and spend time with Jesus(without having to wake up at 5:30 to achieve this.)
2) another 60 minutes later in the day to exercise and shower.
3) the luxury of peeing by myself.
4) spontaneous dates with my husband. or any dates at all.
5) sleep. always more sleep.
and all of these on a consistent basis. I know... it's basically asking for the impossible.
I recently had a friend stay with us. She caught us on a particularly hard week. Adoration had suddenly developed random fears going to sleep and was waking up multiple times a night. Asa had just gotten a vaccine and was also cutting his bottom two teeth and was also waking up multiple times a night, wanting to nurse (he usually sleeps through the night.) James and I were exhausted, Adoration was extremely cranky from lack of sleep and always on the edge of a tantrum, and Asa was much more clingy. And these days, well, they are bound to happen. At one point, she said to me, "I don't know how you do it. Day in and day out. I don't know if I'm cut out to be a mother."
The thing is...I'm not cut out to be a mother. Are any of us really? But God, He transforms, sustains, and gives grace upon grace. There are new mercies every morning. But most of all there is the Love. There is nothing else like it. The love He has given me for these little people makes every hard day or night worth it. I tried to explain this to my friend but I couldn't quite capture it. It's like the smallest taste of understanding that it was the Joy set before Him that led him to the cross. Every day I take up my tiny cross of inconveniences and lack of selfish freedoms for the Joy set before me. And there is so much joy.
This Mother's Day, all I could feel was gratitude. My children are not a burden. They are a gift. Being their mommy is the greatest thing I have ever done and will probably be the greatest thing I will ever do.
(oh and the getting to sleep in, the bellini at brunch, beach time with my sweet family, and spa package gift from my love definitely didn't hurt my feelings of gratitude!)